Rejected (For All the Right Reasons) – When Moderation Gets You Uninvited
(6 min read)
Have you got your result yet? What Triggers Your Midlife Drinking Habits?
Let’s talk about rejection:
The fear of it.
The reality of it.
From friends,
From family,
From work colleagues.
“I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me” – right!
Yes, I did just quote the Backstreet Boys non-ironically to help me drive home my point (I don’t apologise, I have warned you many times of my severe lack of cool).
But frosted tips and formation dancing aside, the ‘Boys’ had a point, didn’t they?
We’re pack animals, us humans, and no matter how aloof, dismissive and nonchalant you profess yourself to be, we all just wanna be loved and accepted for who we are.
So much so that the pursuit of that very acceptance leads us to do some of the most outlandish things, alienating countless others, all for the approval of our tribe.
I hate to break it to you, but rejection is a part of life.
One of the biggest gifts you can give to yourself is the ability to accept that fact and move on. Because whilst we were never made to be alone, we were also not meant to be loved by everyone (can you imagine how exhausting that would be!)
So, where has this great epiphany come from?
I was rejected recently.
It’s not the first time. I doubt it will be the last.
I won’t bore you with the details, not because I’m embarrassed, but because they don’t really matter. Suffice it to say that in the world of low & no, there are some who do not approve of my live-and-let-live, or should that be drink-and-let-drink, approach to moderation (too dry for some, too boozy for others), and so my invitation to guest on their podcast was rescinded.
Related article:
It’s not me, it’s you
But it made me think: I was rejected by a fellow podcast host because of my stance on moderation, so should I adjust my beliefs, change my actions and curtail my opinions until I fit into the mould that they pour into?
Or should I double down on my conviction, stand in my power, and serve my own needs and yours with gusto?
I’m hoping you chose option B for me. And I hope even more so that you choose option B for you – every time.
When you start to actively, deliberately and vocally change the way you allow alcohol to show up in your life (brace yourself), you’re going to piss some people off.
They are going to question you. They are going to challenge you. And they are going to try to change you. When they can’t, there is a chance that some of them might reject you.
That’s scary, right?!
You’ve spent years building a version of you that will be readily and easily accepted by the tribe you’ve surrounded yourself with.
Their rejection terrifies you. But really, it’s their acceptance that should scare the shit outta you.
If acceptance by the crowd means you can’t be yourself,
If it means you can’t say no to a drink when you don’t feel like one,
If it means you’re only cool if you’re “one of us”,
Then it’s time to pull out your best Groucho Marx impression and proclaim loudly (with a little paraphrasing), “ I don’t want to belong to any club that will only accept that version of me as a member”
Where Rejection Happens
Rejection at work
Every office work-do for the last century has been held at the same pub, with the same drinks, the same drunken stories, illicit snogs and forehead-tie-knee-slides from Dave in accounting.
Working lunches, client entertaining, Claire’s birthday drinks and Victor’s promotion all revolve around booze - and maybe a few canapes if you’re super lucky.
Then along comes you. Tired, overworked, underpaid and just not in the mood to tie one on… again!
But it’s what you do. That’s why you’re always at the top of the invite list. If you don’t get the shots in, then what’s your role?
“WHAT DO I BRING TO THE PARTY IF I DON’T BRING THE BOOZE!!!!”
I don’t know. I don’t know you. But you’ll never know you either if you’re too afraid of rejection to bring nothing but yourself.
People expect you to be the life of the party because that’s what you’ve always given them. Give them the rest of you, and you might all find yourselves pleasantly surprised.
And if they don’t, if they reject you?
Well then, I guess you’ll just have to do your job, leave and go home to the people who actually matter.
Rejection from friends
This one isn’t so easy. For many of us, our friends form part of our identity far more than our job. By the time you reach midlife, you’ve likely dedicated at least one full decade, if not two or even three, to building and maintaining friendships that have seen you through the very best and the very worst that life has to throw at you.
Rejection from your friend group is nothing to be sniffed at.
But, if after all of those moments, the good times and the bad, the ups and the downs, the ins and the outs, if after all that, your friend group still accepts you only IF you’ve got a drink in your hand, then it might be time to take a closer look at what the last few years have really meant to you all.
True friendship is unconditional.
Remind them of all the times they’ve been there to support you before.
Taking the odd night off the sauce is no different, and a real friend would respect that.
And if they can’t?
We’ll then maybe the rejection boot needs to go on the other foot.
Perhaps not entirely, but at least while you decide where exactly those ‘friends’ will now fit into your lifestyle.
Rejection by family
Rejection by family is a whole new playing field. It’s a lot easier to replace work colleagues and fair-weather friends, but mum, hubby/wifey, and cousin John are far harder to replicate.
When you start changing your drinking habits, some family members might take it personally. Like you’re judging their choices. Like you think you’re better than them now. Like you’re trying to make some big statement about how they live their lives.
“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just have one? You used to be fun.”
And because it’s family, it stings more than it should.
The good news is that it’s very rare for family to reject you or your choices outright (back to that ‘unconditional’ word again), but because they are so close, and because boundaries are a lot lower.
They might be the ones to question you the most, to challenge you the most and who most expect you to conform to old habits that they’ve grown up watching you perform and family norms that have dictated the last few decades of time together.
The upside here is that families are actually far more likely to reject your ideas or your practices than they are to actually reject you for doing something that they don’t understand. That means that you have time (you’re pretty much stuck with each other, right?).
Time to help them understand why you’re making such radically different choices (it’s really not that radical by the way), and time to help them see that your choices are about you and your health, not about them and their convenience.
Look, I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy. It’s not. Rejection is never nice, no matter the circumstances.
But sometimes it’s just the universe’s way of telling you that it’s not your time with those people.
And as you hunt for a new tribe, remember, the only clubs that you should be queuing to get into are the ones that allow you to come as you are.
…and yes, I did go from Backstreet Boys to Nirvana in one article, if for no other reason than to remind you that you can belong to more than just one tribe.